Careful Fear and Dead Devotion
by MPEmax
Summary: The moment you saw her, you fell in love. All you wanted to do was tell her.


You've loved her for so long now.

The first time you saw her, you were trying to ignore everyone else.

It must have been her first day at your office because you'd never seen her before. You would have definitely remembered if you had. You were taking a long sip of coffee, staring intently at the computer screen when you heard the voice that, to this day, invades your thoughts every minute of every hour.

You remember slowly lifting your gaze from your desk and computer screen, and being met with the most beautiful human being you'd ever seen. She was absolutely exquisite. Her dark brown locks cascaded perfectly over her shoulders and her eyes flickered around the office, taking in her surroundings.

Her eyes.

They haunt your dreams to this day, as well.

You remember the first time you locked your gaze with her. She had stopped at the reception area and started talking to Davey, the floor manager. He is a pretty funny guy, and within seconds you remembered seeing her eyes light up and her nose crinkle slightly at something he had said. You immediately smiled as well. As if sensing you watching her, you recall her turning her head in your direction.

That was the second you fell in love with her.

Her eyes stayed on your face for a moment, but just like before, her eyes flickered over your face. She was obviously taking in your appearance and with a small smile; she turned back to Davey and continued to smile softly to herself.

You remember her turning the other way once her conversation with Davey had ended, and she was promptly lead over to her desk in the opposite corner from you. If you tried hard enough, which you definitely did, you could stretch to your left and watch her unnoticed.

It was two weeks after she first stepped foot into the office when you first learned her name. You'd been watching her everyday and you could tell someone every little idiosyncrasy she does while she works, but you couldn't tell anyone her name.

You overheard a few hotshot marketing guys talking about her 'sweet, sweet ass' and it made you angry. You heard a mumbled 'Santana' during their horrible conversation and you immediately perked up at that little bit of information.

Her name was perfect. Just another thing to add to the list.

You'd wished that you'd learnt it the moment she turned away from you and started walking to her desk. You should've gone up to Davey and asked who she was and why she was here.

But you didn't.

You're so shy and you know that not many people around here take any notice of you.

Sometimes they do, however, but it's mostly always for the wrong reason. You get yelled at quite a bit and put down but a lot by the male workers. When you first started here, a few of them had tried to ask you out for drinks but you politely declined. Apparently they didn't like rejection that much.

You're not very well liked around your workplace so you never hang out with fellow colleagues or go to work functions. You still don't know why nobody takes the effort to talk to you. You've been called dumb and stupid on many occasions and you think that people don't believe you should be working in the position you are today. You do make mistakes, you'll admit that. But you're the first person to fix them and you're extremely hard working.

You've been sad and miserable at work for a while now, but simply finding out Santana's name has lifted your spirits.

Three weeks after finding out her name, she spoke to you for the first time. You were never going to approach her and have a conversation with her. Never. You were more than happy watching her work effortlessly from afar, ignoring the 'boys club' that went on.

She was handing out the monthly report that she had been put in charge of delivering to investors and shareholders. She was walking around the office giving out the report to everyone and when she made it to your desk, you were shaking. You tried to ignore that she was there because you had no idea how to react in this situation. You felt her presence there for a few seconds before the noise of paper hitting wood awoken you from your trance. Your eyes quickly lifted to her face and you incoherently mumbled a thankyou under your breath and tilt your heard downwards once more.

You heard a sigh escape her puffy and probably delicately soft lips. 'I'll see you around, Brittany," she says softly, the raspiness of her voice sending shivers through your body. The fact that she knows your name makes your heart speed up and skip beats upon beats. She spoke to you. She knows who you are. You remember feeling your palms start to sweat and a small smile break out over your face. She is doing things to you that you've neve felt before.

You still get the same feeling whenever you see her, think of her or speak to her.

She's completely invaded your system and you don't think you'll ever be able to shake her.

The next time you had an interaction was 2 months later. You'd still been watching her and you had also started to monitor her work for the company. She was exceptional. Her work ethic and efficiency was something you'd never seen before. Everyone quickly became intimidated by her and you think it had something to do with her short temper.

Looking back on one day in particular, an experienced employee at the company was consistently messing up the figures for the coming budget report. It was clear that Santana had had enough. You remember her snapping at him and using the most hurtful yet eloquently put words you'd ever heard.

Not only was she beautiful and undeniable sexy, she was passionate about her work and had a remarkable ability to spit insults and phrases at anybody, no matter their status.

She was outstanding.

They day you spoke again was just after she yelled at an intern for spilling coffee over her white high-waisted skirt. She ran to the bathroom muttering Spanish under her breath and while the majority of everyone else was snickering quietly to their cubicle neighbour, you shot up out of your seat and before you could stop yourself, you were following her to the bathroom.

You still had no idea what you were thinking.

The last time you had something that resembled a conversation you freaked out and ignored her.

You remember opening the bathroom and immediately finding Santana at the basin, trying to remove the coffee stain from her skirt. It wasn't going to happen, but by the look of anger in her eyes and the intent she was showing as she scrubbed her leg fiercely, she was going to make it happen.

She hears the door close behind you and looks up at you, the scowl across her face still present, but not as harsh as it once was. You take a step forward, stopping when her gaze intensifies.

You gulp.

She was making you feel crazy things and you thought that at any moment, your insides were going to explode into a million tiny pieces.

"Did you want something, Brittany?" she says exasperated. You can tell she's upset and angry and frustrated with the situation. You just think she looks beautiful.

"I just wanted to see if you were okay…" you trail off and awkwardly stand there, holding your arm. You avert your gaze from her and miss her sudden change in emotion. A smile now graces her face and small laugh echoes through the bathroom.

"I'm fine. You didn't have to come in here and see if im okay, Brittany," she lets out through a chuckle. You look at her once again and your heart melts and you suddenly feel at ease. She stops laughing and a serious expression takes over her face. "But I'm glad you did."

That little sentence hits you hard and you feel your legs start to break and your knees begin to buckle. You quickly move forward and lean on the bench, facing her.

"Do you need anything?"

She shakes her head with a small smile.

"You know, Brittany. Not many people would come running in here, I'm not very well liked at this place and you obviously know that."

Before you have time to think, you speak. "I like you." You blush immediately and look away.

She chuckles again.

"I like you, too." You feel your face redden even further and all you want to do is run away again. But you don't. You look up at her with the biggest smile on your face and wait for her to continue. "I have a proposition for you, Brittany."

"What is it?" you mumble out.

She takes a step towards you and the scent of her vanilla body wash invades your senses. "Will you be my only friend in this stinking, shithole of an office?"

You already know the answer to that one.

After that, your interaction between one another grows and grows. You would have coffee every morning and you even started to send smiley faces to each other at the end of every email.

You remember continually thinking about asking her out or even just mentioning hanging out with each other outside of work but you know you'll never do it.

You don't have the confidence to do something like that.

So you suffer. You suffer through the coffee dates and long talks over lunch breaks. You though that it'd get easier over time, but it doesn't.

The worst thing about this whole situation?

She has no idea that you're in love with her. To her you're just her work best friend. You don't hang outside of work; you don't message each other or call if you need someone to talk to. You're just that friend at work who'll drink coffee with her and sit in the staff car park with her every quarter after the big investors report has been handed in, drinking whiskey and bitching about bosses.

She does the majority of bitching, though. You're too busy staring at the small freckle on her neck and her eye lashes to have any input on the conversation. You just nod, though. Because when she talks her whole face lights up and you can't help but want to watch her talk forever.

You know that it's not healthy whatsoever. You're strung up on someone that you really know nothing about on a personal level. You know she has a dog, though. You have a cat. Your would-be relationship is already ruined.

So the day she told you she had been offered a position in the United Kingdom? It broke you in half.

You tried to hard to be happy for her and put on a brave face. You were happy for her. You still are. You also cried for a long time.

She told you what day she'd leave and that the only thing she'd miss about working here was you.

You've never been so happy in your life to hear those words.

She was packing up her desk the following day and that's when it hit you like a tonne of bricks, she's leaving. After she finished packing, she came over and hugged you tightly. You successfully held it together but as soon as she left the office, you raced to the bathroom and locked yourself in a cubicle. You cried all afternoon.

She's leaving you.

She'll be going to the airport, catching a plane to the United Kingdom and you'll never see her again.

So, that's were you are now, sitting at the departures area watching as she says goodbye to her family. She's hugging her parents tightly and kissing her little cousin's cheek. She looks absolutely radiant, and most of all, happy. You don't think you'd ever seen her so happy before. You don't think you'd even be able to make her as happy as she was at this very moment.

You continue to watch her say goodbye to everyone, and in the first time since you met her two years ago, you see her cry. You watch as silent tears start to roll down her face and you feel your own start to cascade down your cheeks.

You also see an emotion from here you've never seen before: love. It makes you stomach curl and you hunch over with disappointment. You're never going to be the one for her; you never even stood a chance. You feel every once of your existence deflate, yet you still can't look away from the scene in front of you. It's the last time you're going to see her. You want to make this moment last, even if it's the most difficult thing you're ever going to do.

She still somehow managers to look incredibly gorgeous and if you had any backbone whatsoever, you'd go over there and say goodbye as well. But you don't. You physically can't.

You don't mean the same thing she means to you.

To her you're simply her colleague, friend and someone she's never going to see again.

That realisation finally hits you hard and you quickly wipe away the wetness from your face and abruptly leave the airport, turning your back on the love of life.

The worst part?

She'll never know. She'll never know the way you looked at her from afar; she'll never know how happy she made you from just knowing your name.

She'll never know you love her.

* * *

**My life right now - I'm Brittany.**


End file.
